I hate space. That’s right I said it – hot take, tea time, the word is out, Elysia Tanswell hates space. Now, whenever I tell people this they always want to try and convince me that I’m wrong and that space is great. Oh, but what about this new planet? Oh but what if aliens are real? Oohh but comets and meteors! No one has ever changed my mind. And, that is because my reasons for hating space and all things space related are solid and valid and totally justified. Let’s go through them now:
Space Is Infinite And I’m Not OK With That
I’m not ok with that for two reasons. Number one, if I think about it too much I go into a spiral of existential dread that unsettles me to the very core of my being. But honesty I’m a millennial, that’s a Tuesday.
The real issue with an infinite universe is that it’s against the rules. Things have limits. An ocean has a bottom. Trees are only so tall. The sun is out for a certain number of hours each day (yes I know days and hours are an arbitrary thing we made up, but please don’t bring that up right now. I’m still in the dread spiral). But space just decided that it’s so special that it just gets to go on forever and ever with no consideration for the rest of us who live within material boundaries. It’s obnoxious. Honestly, this is something I thought the New Yorkers here at Bleu would understand. Half the city has to pay eight thousand dollars a month to live in a one bedroom apartment where the shower is on the roof and the kitchen is a fire in the middle of the living room. But the planets and stars don’t even need somewhere to store their Tupperware because they have never ending space. Unacceptable.
Pictured: My brain when I start thinking about how time isn’t real and we’ll never find the end of the universe:
Aliens Would Not Be Cool Or Fun
Aliens are the one thing that stood a chance of getting me hype about space. Because the fact that the universe is infinite means there has to be other life out there. But, if you really think about it, meeting aliens would be a huge bummer. It would either turn out terrible for us, or terrible for them. If our little green friends are more advanced than us, they would defiantly kill us. Think about it you little “the truth is out there” freaks: we suck. Humans are trash. Super intelligent otherworldly beings would 100 percent cancel us.
For one thing, we’re killing our own planet. They would probably yeet us out of existence just to keep the other aliens safe. They could give us an easy, free, fool proof solution to climate change, and half the world’s governments would reject it because “freedom.” Or because they think an incremental approach is more feasible. But what if we’re more advanced than them and we could help them advance? B*tch please, when have we ever done anything to less technically advanced civilizations but destroy them? Meeting adorable baby-eyed, peace-and-love aliens would be fun for the two weeks before we find out they have resources we want. Then governments would kill them all off and we’d all be super bummed about the time we chose faster broadband speed over kicking it with ET.
Pictured: Aliens looking at how we power our cities:
God Damn Tech Bros Ruin Everything
These billionaire technocratic psychopaths think Earth is just a first draft they can screw up because there’s a whole bunch of other planets out there. Elon Musk want’s a Mars city, and Jeff Bezos wants private space travel. They all want to ditch Earth for another planet they think is going to be better. Well guess what, there isn’t. This is the planet we’ve spent our entire existence adapting too. Can you guys use some of your money to like, fix to planet we have? Invent a thing, or hell bribe politicians to take actual action (it’s super easy ever since Citizens United). Or, at the very least, stop actively destroying the planet making your garbage and then rubbing it in our faces that you wont be dealing with the consequences. Because the thing about people with too much money is that they don’t know how to spend it. So they start to value things based on how exclusive they are rather than how good they are. If most people will never be allowed to buy or do a thing, rich people are all over that. And what could be more thrilling to insane billionaires than making life itself available to only an exclusive club?
Pictured: Elon Musk when I ask if I can come live on the Mars colony when the earth explodes:
Closing Statement: Space Is Bad
To summarize, space makes my brain hurt, we suck too much to meet aliens, and we need to eat the rich before they kill us all. But, on the plus side, there exists on this planet a far superior environment that we haven’t fully explored: the bottom of the ocean. It’s big, we’ve barely seen any of it, but it has a limit. It has awesome wildlife that looks cooler than any of us can imagine an alien looking. And the best part, if tech bros want to move there, they actually have to protect the environment.